Flourishing Friendship

Friendship.  A loaded word.  Layered meanings, different contexts, a million different ways to experience it, something we all yearn for.  Something we were created for!

  A desire for friendship is built into our DNA.  We were wired for joyful and meaningful connection with others!  But what constitutes friendship?  What are qualities of a good friend?  How do you make friends (ESPECIALLY as an adult?)

  Friendship, per a super duper official Google search, is defined as a close relationships between two people characterized by mutual affection, trust, support and understanding.  It’s often sparked by shared interests, values or seasons of life!  Experience has taught me there are three types of friends

1.  Simple acquaintances.  These are people you’ve met a few times, know through others, share a common bond somewhere and generally enjoy their presence!  Most people we know fall into this category!  It’s actually fun to look for ways to connect with others at this level.  Finding commonalities in a world where so many headline their differences is a breath of fresh air.  This level of friendship typically includes a great variety of types of individuals and enriches our lives and theirs.

2.  The deeper connect.  These friendships go a little deeper.  Meaningful conversations, fun activities together, laughing, and often a stronger bond over shared experiences or outlooks.  I find relationships don’t linger here forever.  The season shifts and they become acquaintances you treasure or they develop into our last category, Lifers!

3.  Lifers!  These are the ones that stand the test of time.  Memories have been made, bonds forged and efforts are intentionally made to keep these relationships alive and flourishing!  These are the ones you call when you’re in trouble, pain or confusion.  They’re also the ones you call to share good news, celebrate blessings and triumphs!  You are relaxed in their presence cause you don’t have to be “on!”  You get to be you!

  While I think there are universal qualities of a good friend that all of us would agree upon (trust, kindness, reliability,) often I think it’s a blend of personalities, unique needs and future goals that cause us to cling to each other for the long haul!  Being a good friend doesn’t always mean you are a perfect person for all people, but that your individual traits, values, and needs flow nicely with the same list for another.  

  For example, my group of lifelong friends have a lot of differences between them.  Different family dynamics, different careers, quirks, strengths and weaknesses.  But they are all:  funny, responsible, dependable, encouraging, and share my faith or allow me freedom to express it openly.  My personality NEEDS to laugh, needs to trust the word of a friend, needs encouragement and direction at times and loves to talk about my love for and daily walk with Jesus.  Your list and needs may look different.  What are those needs? 

  We also need to ask ourselves what we bring to the friendship table?  What do I possess that adds to the possibility of quality, long term friendships?  I know I can be thoughtful, encouraging, prayerful, silly, deep thinking and moderately cool!  (My kids would disagree!  HA!!!)  What does your list contain?  

We can ask questions like:

1.  What are my best character traits?

2.  What do I give that comes natural to me that others appreciate?

3.  What areas do I need to grow in to be the kind of friend I would want?

4.  What do I want others to say of me?

5.  What do I add to the life of my friends?

6.  What can they count on me for?

  Finally, how do we create or build upon friendships?  Especially as an adult?

  I will never forget the crazy amount of discomfort and insecurity I felt when entering my first days at Hillsong College in Sydney Australia!  I was thirty years old, married and had two kids at the time.  There were few families at the school and the vast majority of students were teenagers fresh from high school and in a much different season of life than I.  I suddenly had no one to eat with, no one to sit with, and had to bridge not just “new student” waters but, with many international students, “new culture” waters as well.  It was ROUGH.  I felt SO out of place and hungry for connection.  I wish I could say there was some ease that grew as the school year went on, but in all actuality, I had to make changes and take new steps.  Here’s a few things that worked for me.  And while I didn’t click with everyone (or even the majority) I do feel like I left my time there with friendships I still treasure.

1. I had to be bold and say hi to people.  I had to ask if I could sit with a group and initiate conversation. I would LOVED to always be the one approached but I had to step out of my comfort zone and do the hard things first.
2. I actively looked for others that had shared experiences, especially students with families.  We attended family centered events, reached out to the school with unique needs and challenges and found others who were walking the same roads we were.  I needed understanding and so did they.
3. I was open to friends outside my normal box!!  To this day, I feel blown away by two of my South African friends who right away embraced me and my girls.  They were so sweet, inquisitive, kind, funny and delightful.  They were so encouraging and fun and I’m so grateful for them. 
4. Most importantly, I stopped worrying about being popular to the masses and aimed at intentionally loving and being a great friend to this smaller group of amazing people God placed in my path.  I understood my personal priorities and capacity and invested what I could to make these few relationships matter!  It paid off.  I felt blessed and still do by those friends.

I hope you can take away a few things from these thoughts and my experiences.  Friendship is a need we all possess.  It’s normal, ok and even wise to consider the levels of friendship you have and would like to have.  I hope you would assess what you need in your friendships and also what you are willing to give.  I hope you find that friendships can come in predictable places and sometimes out of nowhere too and be open to both.

Lastly, consider that a good friend not only makes you feel good, but makes you better.   Happy flourishing!

A few verses on friendship:

Proverbs 17:17:  A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 27:17: As iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another.

John 15:13: Greater love has no man than this that he lay down his life for his friends.